Normal revisited

One of those journals from last spring.. it feels appropriate today.  Enjoy!

It occurred to me that for far too many years, I took feeling normal for granted. I never gave a second thought to how it might be to feel anything but normal. Hell, I never gave it a FIRST thought! I think as humans, we just naturally take a lot for granted. We go through life living an ordinary existence. We fall into routines that feel comfortable, and right, and it is enough. And then, for some of us, something life altering happens, and nothing is normal, at least for a little while.. and if we are really, really lucky, nothing is really normal ever again. Lucky? You ask. Yes! Lucky! I've learned that if I had stayed in that *normal* place in my life, never gotten sick, or experienced the things that I have because of that sickness, there are many things that I wouldn't know now.


I wouldn't know what it was like to have to sit down and tell my sons that my most recent tests were back, and not so good. Not a peachy day for sure, but what happened after I told them, is something that I wouldn't have otherwise got to experience. It took place in those moments, but it is still in existence to this very day. The day that you realize that you may not have much more time with the people you love, is the day that everything changes. EVERYTHING! Even if you think you had the strongest love on the face of the earth for your children, and that you couldn't possibly feel that love any bigger, or any more fully.. you will find out that you were wrong.


You will never hear certain things in the same way again.. for example "My mom/dad/brother/sister/aunt/cousin/ has cancer"
Your gut ties up in knots for them. You've been there, in that spot, that scary, very un-normal place, and now, you don't just hear those words, you feel that pain, you know that terror, and when you tell them you're sorry, they know that you understand. Really understand, and your understanding becomes a gift.


You will never see certain things in the same way again either.. When my second grandson was born in the midst of all of that chaos, I held him, and I didn't know if I would be here to see him take his first steps, or to know him and watch him grow. It made me very sad, but it made me see him differently too. I appreciated every moment spent with him in my arms.. every breath he took, every baby noise that came out of his tiny little body.. I could see not only the child, but the absolute miracle that he was.
When my oldest grandson came to see his new little cousin, and I saw him for the first time in a few weeks, my heart broke into a million little pieces hoping that I had or could make enough of an impact on his tiny life so that he would always remember me.


Suddenly, it became important to make a difference in the lives of the people I loved.. It became a driving force. Other than my grandsons who are so young, I wasn't afraid of not being remembered. But I very quickly realized that there was still so much that my family needed to know about how I loved them. The kind of things that I knew I couldn't just tell them. The kind of things that I had to show them.


Another thing that happened, is that I completely lost my tolerance for people who want to spend their time playing games, creating ridiculous unnecessary drama. Especially if those people were connected to my family in any way shape or form. It's part of that "Life is TOO short" thing. When faced with the possible shortening of your own life, you also gain a little insight into the lives of the people you love. It becomes very difficult to watch them waste their time with things that clearly won't change. I think it also has to do with wanting to make sure they aren't stuck in some kind of unhappiness when you might not be here to help them through it! And yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think you can protect those you love from such *normal* circumstances, but it doesn't stop you from wanting to get not only YOUR life in order, but help them to get theirs there too.


Things become funnier, and you become more willing to look ridiculous while laughing at them until you cry or hurt!!
Time becomes more precious, and you become less willing to allow *normal life* to get in the way of spending your time doing worthwhile things.
Worthwhile things, take on a different meaning too. Worthwhile suddenly has less to do with what you gain financially, or materially, and far more to do with how full you can keep your spiritual bucket!


You learn that relying on God is the strongest thing you can do, and not the weakest. You become more willing to listen in order to hear His voice, and more willing to be still in order to feel his touch.


And somehow your life becomes something that is not really your own.. you begin to see the value in sharing it completely.. spreading it as far as you can among the people you love.. gathering along the way some important things to take with you.. and just hoping like hell that you can leave important things behind. Not because you are concerned that your life wasn't worth remembering, but because you want the people you love to experience the kind of life that can only come along when *normal* is just a word in the dictionary!


Wishing you all a fantastic journey away from *normal* in your life! I know some of you are already on that journey with me, or in your own lives, but some have not yet begun. You can be absolutely certain, that whatever has to happen in your life to kick start that journey, it will be absolutely worth it.