Out with the old...

Well as of last night, 2009 is going out with a bang!  Not the kind of bang one might think of as an "exclamation point" to punctuate the year, but more like a thundering voice from somewhere up above saying "HOLD UP KIDDO, YOU STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO LEARN!" 


I got a long awaited phone call last evening with a message that I could have waited much longer to hear. My cardiologist made the phone call personally.  That got the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight up and fast!  He told me that the holter monitor he had me wear for 24 hours 2 weeks ago showed that my heart had shown episodes of V-tach (Ventricular Tachycardia).  He told me in no uncertain terms that he feels it's now time to get the AICD (defibrillator) in and as soon as possible.  So.. after spending all afternoon on the phone between National Jewish hospital and University hospital in Denver my AICD implant is happening Tuesday January 5th.  All things considered, this is a very good way to start the new year.  Peace of mind. There really is no price you can put on that is there? A defibrillator can save my life, and that's how I chose to look at it, but to say that I'm not scared right now would be a big, fat, lie! 


I'm not sure what lesson I have to learn from all of this yet.  But I do know there is something.  There always is.  I also received a phone call from my main Sarcoidosis doctor today.  She told me that the tests I had 2 weeks ago are showing that there is no improvement in the sarcoid from six months ago.  She started to tell me that I needed to up my methotrexate now, but she hadn't heard the big bang news yet, so she ended up telling me to "scratch that" and that she would get back to me next week after the defibrillator goes in.  So.... that's the report I waited so long to hear. (Two weeks is loooong when you're me!) I honestly believed that because the results took so long that "no news is good news" but that is NOT the case people.  Don't believe it when someone tries to tell you that!!


There's still hope.  Lots of it. The sarcoid isn't getting worse. It's just not responding well to the current treatment. If it weren't wreaking havoc on my heart it would be tempting to just live with it but that's not smart either considering that the longer the inflammation is present, the more damage is being done to the organs that host it.  Anywhooo..


I promised my cardiologist that I would take it easy and stay low key until Tuesday.  I have been confined to the loft by my kids!! The upside of that is that they have to wait on me hand and foot.  (I'm a pretty low maintenance prisoner though!) and the downside is that there will be no big New Year's Eve party here tonight as we had originally planned.  That's okay with me though.. I'm scared shitless to pretty much do anything right now.  I promised Dr. Buckner that I would not drive alone and that I would have someone near me until I get there.  So.... NYE at my house will be spent up here in the loft.. I'm pretty sure we have some champagne, and a few board games to ring in 2010.  Maybe even a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory season 2.  Seems appropriate doesn't it?

On Love

(Revisiting a few of my blogs from last year.. I was going to import them all to this blog spot, but decided that only a few will make it.. and I will interject them sporadically!  So.. here's the first of those oldies.. on love!)

I think it was March. But it might have been another month. The past year went by in such a blur in some spots, that I can’t quite remember those details.

Whatever month it was doesn’t really matter I guess. I was sitting in a waiting room at my doctor’s office. It was my first time there. The doctor was an oncologist. A cancer doctor. I was there to talk about having a biopsy done. I had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The doctor’s in Denver had told me to just go ahead and go home. There was nothing more they could do for me there. I needed to go home, have chemo and radiation, neither of which would cure me. Both might possibly extend my life. Or lack of life. Whichever way you chose to look at it I guess. But for some reason, I decided I should know exactly what to call this cancer. The Denver doctor said it was everywhere. They thought perhaps it was pancreatic since that’s where the largest tumor was. So.. Here I was. Sitting. Waiting. Thinking. And the doctor walks in and the very first thing he says to me is: “So, why do you want to have a biopsy? You already know you have cancer!” And I said, “Well, because I want to know what kind of cancer I have for sure, I want to know what to call it.”

We talked some more, and during the course of our conversation, I told him that I really wanted to try to treat the cancer naturally. I really was afraid to have chemo and radiation. I felt that it would kill whatever good cells I may have left, and besides, the naturopath that I had talked to swore that he could have me cleaned up in 200 days. So, I told the new cancer doctor this. He looked me straight in the eye, put his hand on my shoulder and said “Honey, you do not have 200 days.”

That was then. This is now. We all know now that by some miracle, I don’t have cancer. I have Sarcoidosis. But for some unknown reason, God does not want me to forget the way it started. He wants me to remember every detail of those days. Being diagnosed, treatment options and talks, all of it. He wants me to never forget what it felt like thinking that I had less than 200 days to live. I dreamt about it this afternoon, I dreamt about it last night. It’s been on my mind all day. It still makes me cry. It still makes me feel raw and unprotected sometimes. It still gets to me. Perhaps God wants me to know how that felt so that I can help someone else. Maybe He wants me to be able to genuinely say “I know just how you feel”. Or maybe he just wants me to appreciate what I have, but I think mostly, God wanted me to understand that life is short!

He wanted me to look at my parents and think “They are not forever, love them as such” He wanted me to look at my brother and sister and think “They are not forever, tell them how much you love them.” He wanted me to look at my children and know that love is the best I have to offer them. And he wanted me to look at my friends and feel the same. And more than feeling, He wants me to let them know. So, I’ve been trying to do that. I’ve been trying to live my life as though I really do have less than 200 days. It’s not as easy as one might think when you have a hard time crawling out of bed in the morning!! But it’s easier knowing that you’re doing everything you can to make love a priority in your life.

Making love a priority has had it’s ups and downs. Mostly ups, but when you try to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved, it’s difficult. But I have learned something there too. I can still love someone who doesn’t want me to love them. I can love them on their terms and in my own terms too. There is someone in my life who refuses to let my love affect her. Oh it makes me so mad sometimes. But I know she wants to love.. I know she wants to feel my love too. I don’t know why she can’t. I hate that it makes me mad too, but I am human. So, I pray for her. I love her anyway. I get snarky about her sometimes, and it does me no good. So.. I remember, life is too short to let someone’s lack of ability to love affect the love I have for them. And I go on.

For me, getting sick has been a driving force in my life. A turning point and a library of lessons that I’m learning as I go. The ability to share them has been healing for me in many ways, and I thank each of you who read these journals for that. The people I love and the way that I love them makes me the person who I am. I am so blessed!

45 candles

In my family, birthday's are big deals.  Some family members insist that it's just another day.. but we like to make a big stink if we can.  So we had a birthday bash last night at the bowling alley, for me, and for my nephew who is soon to turn 23.
Today I feel like I got bowled! I think I feel my age for the first time EVER! But it's such a great feeling.  The past two years of my life have taught me how short it is, so every birthday is a milestone for me, and one I am simply grateful to share with those I love.  Having a birthday at the very end of a year is a really awesome way to keep that year in perspective.  I have been blessed this year beyond measure.  I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to. 
Here's to 45 candles still shining brightly, and hoping for at least another 45 to come! And just so you all know... 1964 was a reallllly  good year!

Blogging in the new year..

I resolve to... ehh... no, wait.  I uhm.  I resolve to --- yeah.  That's how it always is for me.  So many, many years ago I decided not to make new year's resolutions.  I can never make one that's important enough to stick to throughout the year.  But I'm doing it this year.  Yes I am.  I'm resolving to blog as much as humanly possible in 2010. I resolve to blog until it's a habit I can't live without.

I set this little humdinger up last night.  I imported a few of my old blogs so it didn't sit here all lonely like until I got to it.  I blogged a shorty about Christmas, and now, I'm right here resolving in front of (probably no one) my public! (I have a great imagination don't I?). 

I love to write.  I love to write for people.  I love to write for fun.. not work.  This seems like the best of both worlds.  I also love to rant.  Again.. best idea yet!  So blog I will. Because it's fun, because it's therapeutic, because I love it!

Let's see if I got this right..

Passing along an email I got today  (have seen it before, but this is GOOD stuff!)

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

• A JOB,
• A DRIVERS LICENSE,
• SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
• WELFARE,
• FOOD STAMPS,
• CREDIT CARDS,
• SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
• FREE EDUCATION,
• FREE HEALTH CARE,
• A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
• BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
• THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
• AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

You would think that this might make some folks take notice.  Oh.  Don't believe it? Don't think this is true?  I assure you, it happens EVERY DAY in America.  

So.. when are we going to wake up?  Anyone??

The great hush...

Can you hear it? The hush! The great silence that comes over your chaotic mind on the day after Christmas. The gifts are open, the mess is gone.. or not. And there's this hush.. I like it. Christmas this year was fabulous! We had more gifts than any family has a right to, more reasons to celebrate than anyone thought possible, and more people sitting on the floor in front of the tree than there was really room for. I don't think there were any great disappointments in the gift department. Everyone seemed happy and content with their bounty.. not that it would have mattered, because had someone whined I would have come uncorked! But that's all really neither here nor there... I'm not afraid to say that I'm glad it's behind us now.
The tree is starting to annoy me. The toy store that somehow exploded in my house will all find it's way into some sort of organization in the weeks to come, my cats can stop batting ornaments across the wood floor in the living room, and I can rest well knowing that I can still pull off a beautiful holiday celebration and survive mostly unscathed!
I'm sorry if I'm a post Christmas scrooge ~ wait ~ no I'm not! I'm okay with it. I'm ready to get back into the "normal" routine of life and set Christmas on the shelf in my mind that will be more than ready to be revisited in roughly 11 months!
If you're reading this and I forgot your gift, or didn't promise you photos in the coming weeks then just chalk it up to the chaos and forgive me!

random me

I’m a photographer, graphic designer, writer, reader, grandma, momma, friend. I am many things, I am me. I believe in God. I talk to Him. He answers me. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy! I’m a little insecure. I’m okay with that. I’m strong. I’m weak. I’m real. I love being a grandma, just like I love being a mom. I want bunches of grandkids. Bunches!

I feel younger than I am. I love to laugh. I need to laugh. I’m genuine. I’m bitchy. I’m happy. I love my life. A lot!

I’m purple, and I’m green. I love potatoes. I don’t require a lot of sleep. I love to write. I love to talk. I enjoy conversations with some substance.

I spend too much time on the computer. I day dream. I work. I get up early. I go to bed late. I don’t watch the boob tube much. I read a lot.

I love to hear my grandkids say “Mammmaw?” I love to see them communicate in their own way.

I have Sarcoidosis. I have hope. Lots of it.

I am peanut butter and macaroni and cheese… not together.

I dislike shopping most of the time. I think pizza is “ok” but I’m not crazy about it.

I love to learn. I think I could be a professional student.

I play the piano. I sing. Not very well mind you.

My eyes are greenish. My hair is curly.

I love weird words. I love purses. I love sweatshirts with hoods.

I love blue jeans and flip flops. 
I love quirky people, and people who have something to say.. not just with their words. I love to listen.
I'm a people watcher. I love animals. New socks are fabulous. I turn the music up in my truck and sing like nobody can hear me. I need the mountains. I don't drink milk. If you can make me laugh, you can own my heart!

What Else Is There?

"What else is there?” he asked me. And then he said “I wish I knew”.

*HE* shall be referred to from here on out as Fred. That’s not his real name. We all know that. And I have no earthly idea why I feel the need to ‘protect the not-so-innocent’ in his case. But I do. So Fred he shall be.

Fred is married. He thinks he loves me. He has no clue, really. But I know he thinks so. It’s so weird.. all this attention from him. He apologizes constantly because he can’t leave me alone. Seriously. Part of me wants to tell him repeatedly that he annoys the living shit out of me. And another sicker part of me lets him keep on telling me such things because I often enjoy the attention. Sad. I know.

So Fred… What else is there? You could always shower your wife with the same attention that you seem intent on giving me. I wonder how she would react to that. You could crawl in bed next to her tonight and tell her how much you love her. You could decide at the beginning of each day that you will love her no matter what happens. You’ve been married to her for 32 years. That’s a long time to stay with someone that you don’t love. You must love her a little.

Tonight he told me that he thinks about me all the time.

I told him that’s not a good thing.

He said.. “What else is there?”

There is so much more. Even I, the 45 year old single lady knows how much more there is. How horrible it must be to feel trapped in a place where all you can do is “think” about someone besides the one who you are married to. All you can do is wish, and not have what it takes to do something about it.

Fred.. I wish you more. I hope that somehow in the coming year you learn that life is just too damned short to feel that there is nothing else. We’re not getting any younger Fred! Why sacrifice your own happiness?

It’s opened my eyes. There was a time when I wished things were different for Fred too… I wished that he loved me enough to make me a priority in his life. I wished that Fred and I could be happy together. But, that lasted about a week. And then I opened my eyes a little more. They open further as the days go by. What else is there Fred?

Let me know when you figure it out! On second thought… don’t bother.