On Love

(Revisiting a few of my blogs from last year.. I was going to import them all to this blog spot, but decided that only a few will make it.. and I will interject them sporadically!  So.. here's the first of those oldies.. on love!)

I think it was March. But it might have been another month. The past year went by in such a blur in some spots, that I can’t quite remember those details.

Whatever month it was doesn’t really matter I guess. I was sitting in a waiting room at my doctor’s office. It was my first time there. The doctor was an oncologist. A cancer doctor. I was there to talk about having a biopsy done. I had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The doctor’s in Denver had told me to just go ahead and go home. There was nothing more they could do for me there. I needed to go home, have chemo and radiation, neither of which would cure me. Both might possibly extend my life. Or lack of life. Whichever way you chose to look at it I guess. But for some reason, I decided I should know exactly what to call this cancer. The Denver doctor said it was everywhere. They thought perhaps it was pancreatic since that’s where the largest tumor was. So.. Here I was. Sitting. Waiting. Thinking. And the doctor walks in and the very first thing he says to me is: “So, why do you want to have a biopsy? You already know you have cancer!” And I said, “Well, because I want to know what kind of cancer I have for sure, I want to know what to call it.”

We talked some more, and during the course of our conversation, I told him that I really wanted to try to treat the cancer naturally. I really was afraid to have chemo and radiation. I felt that it would kill whatever good cells I may have left, and besides, the naturopath that I had talked to swore that he could have me cleaned up in 200 days. So, I told the new cancer doctor this. He looked me straight in the eye, put his hand on my shoulder and said “Honey, you do not have 200 days.”

That was then. This is now. We all know now that by some miracle, I don’t have cancer. I have Sarcoidosis. But for some unknown reason, God does not want me to forget the way it started. He wants me to remember every detail of those days. Being diagnosed, treatment options and talks, all of it. He wants me to never forget what it felt like thinking that I had less than 200 days to live. I dreamt about it this afternoon, I dreamt about it last night. It’s been on my mind all day. It still makes me cry. It still makes me feel raw and unprotected sometimes. It still gets to me. Perhaps God wants me to know how that felt so that I can help someone else. Maybe He wants me to be able to genuinely say “I know just how you feel”. Or maybe he just wants me to appreciate what I have, but I think mostly, God wanted me to understand that life is short!

He wanted me to look at my parents and think “They are not forever, love them as such” He wanted me to look at my brother and sister and think “They are not forever, tell them how much you love them.” He wanted me to look at my children and know that love is the best I have to offer them. And he wanted me to look at my friends and feel the same. And more than feeling, He wants me to let them know. So, I’ve been trying to do that. I’ve been trying to live my life as though I really do have less than 200 days. It’s not as easy as one might think when you have a hard time crawling out of bed in the morning!! But it’s easier knowing that you’re doing everything you can to make love a priority in your life.

Making love a priority has had it’s ups and downs. Mostly ups, but when you try to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved, it’s difficult. But I have learned something there too. I can still love someone who doesn’t want me to love them. I can love them on their terms and in my own terms too. There is someone in my life who refuses to let my love affect her. Oh it makes me so mad sometimes. But I know she wants to love.. I know she wants to feel my love too. I don’t know why she can’t. I hate that it makes me mad too, but I am human. So, I pray for her. I love her anyway. I get snarky about her sometimes, and it does me no good. So.. I remember, life is too short to let someone’s lack of ability to love affect the love I have for them. And I go on.

For me, getting sick has been a driving force in my life. A turning point and a library of lessons that I’m learning as I go. The ability to share them has been healing for me in many ways, and I thank each of you who read these journals for that. The people I love and the way that I love them makes me the person who I am. I am so blessed!